Apple Announces iPad Pro Updates

Apple announced a new version of the iPad Pro today, and, folks, spare a thought for my bank account, ’cause I wants it.

In the way of actual updates, it’s more or less what we’d all expect — a faster A12Z Bionic processor, WiFi 6 networking, which (with the right router) can allow download speeds of 1.2 Gbps (up from 866Mbps), and support for 30 different LTE cellular networking bands, up from 29.

That one band will make all the difference, I’m sure!1Full disclosure: I am not sure.

Apple also announced mouse and trackpad support will come with iPadOS 13.4, which will be released on March 24th — that’s the one thing Jeff has been asking me about for months, so he’ll be extremely happy with that.

Finally, Apple announced a new Magic Keyboard, which won’t be out until May, which sucks ’cause I want it now, dammit!

Would’ja look at that thing?!

It has a trackpad, backlit keys (that use the scissor switches that Apple has mercifully gone back to on the 16″ MacBook Pro and new MacBook Air, also announced today), a USB-C port with passthrough power for your iPad, and viewing angles that I cannot wait to try, just take my money Tim Apple.

There’s a bunch more details about the new iPad Pro on MacStories. Give it a read, but hide your Apple Card while you do.

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Katie Porter’s Whiteboard

When you woke up this morning and put on your bland suit in preparation for your hearing, I bet you looked yourself in the mirror and thought: Today’s the day. Katie Porter’s not going to get me.

Well, I’m Representative Katie Porter’s whiteboard, and I’ve got a message scrawled upon my glistening façade: We’re about to kick your ass.

The exchange between Rep. Katie Porter of California and an official from the CDC during a hearing yesterday was awesome. This monologue from McSweeney’s Internet Tendency is an equally-awesome companion piece.

If you haven’t seen Rep. Porter mopping the floor with the officials from the CDC yet, you should 100% watch the video below before you read the piece on McSweeney’s. It’s worth your time, I promise.

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Nearly Coherent: The Juwanna Mann Standard

There’s a new episode of Nearly Coherent!

eD! and Jeff discuss Jeff’s luxurious beard, Standing Up, Falling Down, and a new smartphone case eD! can’t stop thinking about.

Yes, the writer of the movie is my cousin, but that doesn’t mean it’s not an excellent movie, and doesn’t deserve the love we heap upon it.

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Nearly Coherent: Jeff 2024

There’s a new episode of Nearly Coherent!

eD! and Jeff discuss Valentine adventures, the price of trumpets, terrible Twitter takes, and things that could tank Jeff’s theoretical political campaign!

This episode also features the third-dumbest question ever asked on the podcast, which I more or less absolutely loved. You really should give it a listen.

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Nearly Coherent: Like an R-Rated Mr. Rogers

There’s a new episode of Nearly Coherent!

eD! and Jeff talk about new dinosaurs, the Oscars, and being so very old oh man it’s terrible.

I really liked this episode, and I hope you do, too. If not, as always, Blame Dave©.


Lords of the Dance

I might not have liked Joker, and I didn’t like Spider-Man 3 (just like any right-minded person), but I love this nonsense.

I love it so much.


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Last Week Tonight: SLAPP Suits

After spending two years engaged in a legal battle with a coal executive who was less-than-enthused with a giant squirrel telling him to “eat shit”, John Oliver finally shares the details of what happened, explains SLAPP lawsuits, and ends the segment in a way that ensured that I’d have to post it.

I had no choice, people.

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Nearly Coherent: Things You Shouldn’t Do in a Hospital

There’s a new episode of Nearly Coherent!

eD! and Jeff talk about Joker.

And spoil every last thing in it.

Don’t say we didn’t warn you and tweet at us angrily later.

As I mention in the episode, I love all sorts of movies — I’m the person you’ll find at a showing of Gone with the Wind and the sort of weirdo who pre-ordered Fast and Furious Presents: Hobbs and Shaw about 12 seconds after I got out of the theater. I’m not going to dismiss a movie outright for just about any reason.

That said, Joker was terrible and I want the time I spent on it back, dammit.

Batman 1966's Joker, clapping.

Entertainment Technology

Microsoft the Musical

The bit in the beginning where they consider Bill Gates less of a person and more of an idea is kinda weird, but the part where they make fun of Windows Phone really makes up for it.

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An iPhone 11 Pro Review For Dogs (And Their Owners)

Buzzfeed News, with the sort of tech review I can get behind:

My dogs and I have spent the past few days with the iPhone 11 Pro Max, and I think they would agree when I say that it is an excellent camera for humans who enjoy photographing dogs. As a test of camera performance, dogs are my gold standard: They don’t stay still, and capturing their details (fur in particular) is a challenge. Not only is the iPhone 11 Pro Max capable of taking dog photos of great variety and visual accuracy, it can take them in the low-light conditions dogs so enjoy and with studio effects that do a good job of making them appear as adorable as they truly are.

This has replaced the TechCrunch review of the iPhone 6 and 6 Plus as my favorite iPhone review of all time, which is a ranking that I’m not proud of having but what can you do, y’know?

the simpsons nerd GIF
What I imagine my life will be like in the future having admitted to ranking iPhone reviews.