So here’s the thing: while I believe that anyone who puts themselves purposely in the public eye is an open target for ridicule, I tend to avoid publicly lambasting 99% of kids that are in show business. This is for three reasons:
- Kids in show business may very well not want to be in their field, and are instead living out the dreams that their stage-parents may have had for themselves when they were younger. I have no way of knowing who has that problem, and they have enough on their plate, psychologically-speaking, and they don’t need my snark to be aired publicly on top of that.
- If you’re under the age of 16, you’re likely still trying to figure out a lot of things, and if you’re in show business, you’re probably doing it in front of the world. That’s kinda sucky – I sure as hell wouldn’t have wanted that much attention on me at that point – so you get a pass.
- It makes me look super-mean, and I am a needy attention-slut who desires the approval of complete strangers, so that would be counter to my interests.
So when I saw the cast of the Broadway revival of “Annie” on the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade last year, it took all my strength not to point out how… interesting the kid who is playing the title orphan looked on every social media site I could find.
Again, I do not want to make fun of children, but that face will paint my nightmares forever. And it has taken every reserve of will I have to not mock that poor child into oblivion.
But as I was sitting in the waiting room of my car dealership, waiting for my car to be inspected, a commercial came on for “Annie”. And there was that poor little gremlin, dancing with Daddy Warbucks, begging people to come see the show. And it struck me: I have nothing better to do at the moment. Let’s figure out what is wrong with this kid. And, gentle reader, I have done just that. Are you ready for the most hard-hitting investigative report this side of Woodward and Bernstein?
As you can see, Lilla Crawford, who plays everyone’s favorite overly-optimistic orphan turned second-hand war profiteer, is actually a normal looking girl. If I saw her on the street, I wouldn’t begin to cower in fear at all! It’s only when the makeup department throws a poorly-designed wig on her head, dyes her eyebrows a shade of red that I am pretty sure is not seen in nature, and cakes so much white makeup on her that even The Joker would raise an eyebrow (From “The Dark Knight”, obviously. I know The Joker of the comics and cartoon has skin that is naturally chalk-white. Shut up.). And maybe the effect works on stage – although I doubt it – but it is absolutely awful for television. But I’m not making fun of the girl. She seems like a normal individual.
It’s the makeup department at “Annie” that makes her look like a second-hand Pennywise from Steven King’s “It” that deserves our ridicule.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to be waiting for a call from the Eyewitness News Investigators, who I’m sure will be offering me a job any minute now.
One of the most popular characters of the pulps of the 1930s and 40s, Doc Savage was also popularized on radio, film and television. He is a scientist, physician, adventurer, inventor, explorer and researcher. He has been trained since birth to be nearly superhuman in every way, with outstanding strength, a photographic memory, and vast knowledge and intelligence. He uses his skills and powers to punish evil wherever in the world he finds it.
If you come across a guy in the street dancing joyously about this news, that’s probably my father. Feel free to give him a high five.
In this summer’s “Man of Steel”, Superman will have to do battle with General Zod, a member of the Kryptonian military so evil that he’s thrown in the alternate-dimension Phantom Zone, which served as a prison for the criminals of Krypton, by Superman’s dad, Jor-El. For those who aren’t aware, Zod first appeared in “Superman II”, where he was played by Terrance Stamp, where he famously told Christopher Reeve’s Superman what he should do when Zod was around.
Why am I telling you this? Easy. Because Woot had a poll this morning, the subject of which was “Things You Should Do Before Zod”. Because it’s early in the morning, I may have made a stupid joke about it to my father. He may have come up with a retort. This may have gone on for far too long, and I may very well share all those jokes with you now, because it’s before 8:30AM and they’re still amusing me, dammit.
- He once worked as a chef. His Sous-Chef always hated working for him, though, as he kept demanding more potatoes for his dishes. “PEEL BEFORE ZOD!”
- He loved going to Sea World, but was kinda pushy about what animals he wanted to see. “SEAL BEFORE ZOD!”
- He decided to run a used-car dealership. His ads were pretty catchy. “DEAL BEFORE ZOD!”
- He loved collecting 35mm movies. “REEL BEFORE ZOD!”
- He considered becoming a physician, although his bedside manner left a lot to be desired. “HEAL BEFORE ZOD!”
- He figured he could be a dog-trainer to pick up some extra cash. “HEEL BEFORE ZOD!”
- His favorite pass-time is fishing. “CREEL BEFORE ZOD!”
- He hates it when his Jell-O takes too long to settle. “CONGEAL BEFORE ZOD!”
- He wanted to play the part of Annie Sullivan in The Miracle Worker, the play about Helen Keller, but he ad-libbed too much. “FEEL BEFORE ZOD!”
- His other dream role was Fagin in Oliver. “STEAL BEFORE ZOD!”
- He is a big fan of metallurgy. “ANNEAL BEFORE ZOD!”
- He sends a lot of packages via FedEx, but never has any packing tape. “SEAL BEFORE ZOD!”
- He is very impatient when he’s hungry. “MEAL BEFORE ZOD!”
- He spent a summer as a pig farmer. “SQUEAL BEFORE ZOD!”
I will be sure to update you further as they continue to come to us, because if you can’t make stupid General Zod jokes on the internet, where can you make them, really?
“Maybe next time we have a week, they can try not to pack it completely to the fucking brim with explosions, mutilations, death, manhunts, lies, weeping, and the utter uselessness of our political system,” said basically every person in America who isn’t comatose or a complete sociopath. “You know, maybe try to spread some of that total misery across the other 51 weeks in the year. Just a thought.”
The international trailer for “The Wolverine” inspires some cautious optimism. Could it actually be… good?
The universe is a better place knowing that this exists. High fives to Uproxx, who has more information on how this wonderful thing came to be.
Hat tip to Sara.