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Nearly Coherent: Banana Herpes

There’s a new episode of Nearly Coherent!

eD! and Dave discuss lunchtime mishaps, the Popeye’s chicken sandwich, and a follow-up to one of the first Dave’s News Corners he ever made us suffer through.

I genuinely enjoyed this episode, and I hope you do, too, but if not, that’s really on you, y’know?

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Cute Animals Life, Y'Know? Social

As a thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday this week, please enjoy this photo of Sunshine and I wearing matching party hats.

via Instagram

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Life, Y'Know? Meta Nearly Coherent Society

Nearly Coherent: The Magic Man

As happens every week, there’s a new episode of Nearly Coherent:

eD!, Jeff, Dave, and Val talk about some horrendous dates Val’s been on.

“Horrendous” doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface here, folks. You need to hear this crap, it nearly broke my damn brain.

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Cute Animals Life, Y'Know?

Santa Dog on a Roomba

Merry Christmas/Happy Thursday, everyone.

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Life, Y'Know?

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes!

Anyone who’s followed my idiotic blathering on the internet for any length of time would know that I generally avoid talking about topics that have any substance to them. There’s several reasons for this:

  1. Jokes about food, pop culture and Apple products I will inevitably buy sight-unseen are easy, and jokes about things that are not those topics are uncomfortable and difficult and exhausting.
  2. I don’t want to link myself to saying something that might endanger my job.

That second one has been the big boogeyman for quite some time, and with good reason: I’ve seen that shit happen, gang. I know people who were let go from their jobs for well written, insightful posts on their blogs. I know people who were fired for simply being tagged in someone else’s stupidity on Facebook… Nothing salacious or incendiary, just dumb. I’m related to someone who was taken to task by their employer’s HR department for making jokes about how the television station they worked for would fill a few dozen holes in their programming schedule with repeat showings of the House Party movies. I couldn’t ignore the possibility that it could happen to me and, as a fan of health insurance and paying my bills, I’ve done everything I could to avoid it.

The specter of unemployment also helped usher in a period of creative atrophy for me, as well — with a few rare exceptions, I’ve become adept at writing bland, toothless crap that is completely forgettable. Admittedly, it wasn’t all bad — this whole “don’t upset the apple cart” mentality has kept me in steady employment for thirteen years, after all, which is not an easy feat in the current economy.

It’s important for me to get that out in the open before I go on, I think — I need to acknowledge my creative shortcomings, explain why they exist, and, more for my sake than yours, accept that it has been a necessary move on my part. Sacrifices made for the greater good, blah-blah-blah.

I’m telling you all this because, as of today, I will no longer be enjoying the fruits of steady employment. This isn’t due to some performance issue or any fault of my own — I worked for a software startup, there was a company realignment, and my job didn’t make the cut. Easy as that.

If this had happened a year ago, my path would have been fairly clear: get a short-term job doing whatever I could, likely in retail, and attempt to find another position equivalent to the one I just lost. If we’re going to be honest with each other, this would have likely resulted in my returning to retail full-time, and working my way up the ladder again. I wouldn’t have been particularly thrilled by it, but at least it would be safe.

I’m over the allure of safety, though. Safety is what led me to spend nine years climbing the ladder in a retail chain to reach the auspices of middle management. Safety is what helped me take that job I wasn’t particularly fond of and launch from that into a career in IT, a field in which I am skilled but have very little passion for on a day-to-day basis. These jobs helped me realize a lot of things about myself, but the biggest takeaway was that they’re not really jobs for me.

So what am I going to do now? Work for myself. I’m not sure doing what yet — I have a fairly wide range of skills that aren’t linked together in any sort of obvious way, so it’s going to be an interesting time figuring that out — but it’s about time I gave it a shot. And while I may usually roll my eyes at people who say inane things like “everything happens for a reason”, there’s too much that has lined up too perfectly for me not to try — frankly, the situation I find myself in today is not likely one I will be in again, so I need to get while the getting is good.

When I first relaunched this site, I spoke about how I was a big fan of clean slates — indeed, the first thing I did was get rid of everything I had previously written in order to save myself from comparisons to how well-written everything I had done earlier was. I’ve since re-read those earlier things and, while I admire the energy and conviction of the person who wrote them, the writing itself was actually pretty embarrassing.

That realization has moved me past the love of a clean slate and into the idea of reinvention… I’ve come to realize that I don’t need a superhero franchise style reboot to improve my situation. I had a great origin story (like Iron Man) that launched into a less-than-stellar sequel (like Iron Man 2). If I can recapture the energy and passion of the first chapter while remembering the lessons learned from the second, I might be able to kick off a third part that is far better than what came before it (like The Avengers).

With that said, I’d like to welcome you to a period I’m humbly titling ‘Awesome 3.0’. It’ll be weird and occasionally uncomfortable, but, as far as I’m concerned, that’s how all good adventures should be, right? So let’s get this nonsense started!

Jimmy Fallon and Big Bird dance in celebration at my news, obviously.
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Cute Animals Life, Y'Know?

Pug In A Ball Pit

A pug playing in a ball pit.

Eerily similar to how I reacted to the high-quality news I got today that I’m going to be strangely vague about like an attention-seeking jerk.

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Life, Y'Know?

“New York Times” Selling Author

Hear me out on this one:

  1. I used to work in a pharmacy.
  2. At that pharmacy, I would occasionally ring people up for things. Newspapers, for instance.
  3. Those newspapers included The New York Daily News, Newsday, and The New York Times.1
  4. I write stuff; therefore, I am an “author”.
  5. I am thus qualified to introduce myself as “New York Times Selling Author eD! Thomas” in perpetuity.
  6. Profit(?)

It’s not the weakest logic-train I’ve ever boarded, so I think I’m going to run with it.


  1. We also carried The New York Post, the Weekly Reader of New York newspapers. 
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Life, Y'Know?

Honest Ade Super Fruit Punch, We Hardly Knew Ye.

Honest Ade Super Fruit Punch: Second only to Raspberry Kool-Aid as my favorite beverage. It was crisp and light and sweet and refreshing and perfect. And, unlike Raspberry Kool-Aid, Honest Ade Super Fruit Punch was still in production, which was a definite plus.

Unfortunately, my use of the past tense in that last sentence was not accidental — I just found out that Super Fruit Punch has been discontinued. If anyone is looking for me, let them know I’m hiding under my desk, curled in the fetal position and quietly weeping to myself in mourning. Because I have a very weird relationship with beverages, clearly.

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Entertainment Life, Y'Know?

Kanye Weird

I generally don’t republish my tweets here, but when this catches on in a few months, I wanted to make sure everyone knew who said it first.

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Life, Y'Know? Society

Please Stop Whining About The Friend Zone. It Only Makes Me Wanna Punch You In The Windpipe.

In the past few weeks, I’ve seen a ton of whining on the various social networks I spend far too much time on about “The Friend Zone”. One of the more charming complaints was a “picture” 1 I saw on Instagram that relayed the following message 2:

All of you single girls asking where all the “decent guys” are? They’re in the “friend zone”, where you left them while you ran off to go [court gentlemen of ill-repute].

At the time I saw it, that post had a bunch of likes and a pair of comments: one was simply “#PREACH”, which made me roll my eyes so far back into my head that it’s a wonder I can see even now, and the other was the more troubling “Waiting for the ‘friend zone doesn’t exist’ comment”.

I’m not here to make that comment; The Friend Zone is absolutely a thing that exists. As a matter of fact, it’s actually the title used for two, completely distinct situations, which most people tend to mush into one thing, which is why the term makes me want to punch whoever is whining about it in the freakin’ windpipe.

The first (and far crappier) situation is one where one party reciprocates just enough of the other party’s romantic affection in order to keep that person under their thumb. Maybe they like having that other person around to make themselves feel better, maybe it’s a relationship of convenience, but, either way, it’s lame, and certainly no “friendship” in any sense of the term. That situation gets my sympathy, because the poor schmuck who is being used likely has no idea that it’s happening, which is why they refer to that relationship as “complicated” as compared to being stuck in The Friend Zone. Still, in my book, the term applies.

But that’s not what most guys 3 who wine about being in The Friend Zone are talking about. They’re talking about The Friend Zone where they “secretly” 4 have feelings for a lady/dude/robot/sandwich 5, and they’re hoping that the kindness and caring they show for this “friend” will one day translate into a romantic relationship. This concept is the foundation of hundreds of romantic comedies and sitcom plot lines, and has fueled the belief that the ever-suffering buddy will eventually get their friend to realize just how special and awesome they are. They’ll get married, live happily ever after, and when they eventually tell this story to their future babies, the friend who stuck by their oblivious object of affection will seem to be the ultimate hopeless-romantic protagonist. Everyone wins!

Close Up Nod

Here’s the problem: This situation basically boils down to being “friends” with someone in the hopes that, one day, they’ll let you see them without pants on. Your displeasure about being stuck in The Friend Zone is based on the fact that you have yet to see the action you clearly deserve despite the numerous theoretical punches on your friendship card, and that makes you bitter and cynical. It also makes you manipulative, a crappy person, and the textbook definition of “not decent guy behavior”.

I get it — friendships can get muddled with non-platonic feelings. In fact, if you’re genuinely friends with someone, and they happen to have naughty-bits that are pleasing to your brain chemistry, the odds are that your shared interests and preexisting ability to connect with this person on a deeper emotional level than other people will result in some confusion. I mean, they likely check off a lot of the “Ideal Things for a Romantic Entanglement Partner to Have” list that you keep running in your head, so it’s bound to happen every now and again. But if you plan on having a varied group of friends, you need to (a) figure out how to address these feelings like an honest-to-Batman adult and (b) handle the potential rejection while deciding if continuing the friendship is possible. And if you really do want to keep the friendship alive, you need to figure out how to get your brain to recognize that, and not sit around thinking that if you stay, some day they’ll realize what they could have had. The “friend who was in front of you the whole time that you didn’t realize was your soulmate” trope hardly ever works out in real life, and realizing that is the first step to getting past it and moving on with your life. 6

Cyanide and Happiness: The Friend Zone

So, please, people, I beg of you: stop your bitching about being in The Friend Zone. It’s a train of thought that will only lead to Depressed-and-Lonely-ville, and it’s a crappy place to hang out, and chances are that you’re probably better than that.

I have no real button to end this on, so I’m just going to go make some pizza rolls and drink a Capri Sun. Like an adult.

Tony Stark Blows Kisses

  1. I use the term “picture” lightly, considering that it was really just white text on a black background. 
  2. Cleaned up for grammatical correctness and language as my mother reads this blog and while I’ll quote other people who are swearing all the live-long day, there’s gotta be a line somewhere
  3. From this point forward, I’m going to refer to the inhabitants of The Friend Zone as dudes, because that’s where my experience comes from. However, I’m sure there are ladies who are in the same boat, I just haven’t encountered them. 
  4. Although it’s really about as secret as my well-documented love of bacon. 
  5. Whatever tickles your fancy. I’m not here to judge. 
  6. If you’re sitting there yelling “But you said hardly ever, so there’s a chance!”, you’re right. It’s the same chance that you’ll be struck dead by a piano falling out of a blimp while you were riding your unicycle to a Jessica Biel-Jennifer Lawrence co-hosted orgy that you’re the guest of honor at, but it still exists, I guess.